by Stephanie Tolan
I was asked immediately after the shock of the election results to write a piece for SENG to help parents deal with their gifted children’s anxieties about the results and their consequences. It has taken me eleven days to come to term with my own grief and deep distress enough to take on this task. Today I was finally able to write a blog post, which you can find at www.welcometothedeepend.com.
Many years ago when I was speaking to a group of parents of gifted and highly gifted children, a distraught and furious mother said to me, “My daughter has only one childhood, and her school is stealing it from her.” I pointed out that if she lived in Sarajevo, where at that moment parents were having to keep children indoors because snipers were killing people who went outside to get water and food, she would not be able to simply demand that the war stop to keep her daughter’s childhood safe and intact. She would in that situation have to spend her energy doing her best to help her daughter contend with what was going on in their world that she couldn’t make go away. I suggested (and she was not entirely happy with this) that if she could not get her school to change, she needed to help her daughter deal as best she could with the reality they were facing, and find alternative educational resources. She could not force the world to give her daughter what she wanted her daughter to have.
The same is true for all of us now. At this moment in America’s political history, while we can’t know what the future will bring, we do know that our gifted kids were watching—and listening—throughout the course of the campaign. They saw a presidential candidate behave toward other human beings in ways they had been taught not to behave in kindergarten. Many of them watched as lie after lie was exposed and threat after threat was levied by the candidate. And now the adults in their world have voted this man into office as president of their country. They understand how many real human beings in their world are endangered if this president’s policies reflect everything he has said and stood for during the campaign.
How do we deal with our children’s fears? We do it in the same way parents have always had to help their frightened children come to terms with the real or imagined threats and hardships of their world. We first assure them of our love and concern. Then we make sure they know the Golden Rule and model its use in our own lives. We take action in some way, even baby steps, to model participation in the working of our world, and we encourage them to think for themselves and take their own action (usually with our help and support) in whatever way seems possible for them. We show them how many other people are taking action as well and share with them the stories of the heroes of the past and present who have stood up and continue to stand up for the values of love, compassion, caring and sharing.
Just remember the critical importance of dealing with your own fears before you address your children’s. Model standing up for what you care about, hug them close and invite them to join you.
Thank you for the great article about this sensitive population. Some parents and caregivers are not only horribly tone deaf to the vitriol they expose children to – in the car, at the dinner table or on the news programs they elect to watch – but to the lasting damage hateful language can have on the gifted child. The election and continued commentary is vulgar and shocking – gifted children feel deeply what is unfair or unjust in our world – as anyone who follows SENG would know. Some other suggestions:
1 – Celebrate a kindness week and paying it forward. See if you can create a group of like minded parents who can help support this effort.
2 – Turn off the hate in your own home – sometimes simply not having the news on in the car or at home can provide a welcome oasis of relief (for everyone!) Be mindful of your overheard conversations with other adults.
3 – Listen for their observations – knowing that for some gifted children emotions process differently. Address them calmly and provide social or historical context to what is being witnessed.
We live in a middle class neighbourhood in Australia (the US’ cousin) surrounded by a couple of high schools – many young teens walk past our house daily. Across the road from us was a house for sale which had a “sold” sticker on the large billboard out front – but still vacant.
The day after the election I noticed a piece of paper flapping in the breeze on the billboard – it was a foolscap notepad page which had been stuck under one corner of the sold sticker. Obviously written by a teenager – in big bold letters “welcome to the Trumpocalypse”.
I really felt for this anonymous teen and wanted to post a note back on the billboard but, for all my intelligence, I could think of nothing constructive to say – the election result plunged me into an existential depression – what these poor kids are going through?
Thank you so much, Stephanie, for you wisdom. Please contact me at [email protected] to give us reprint permission to use your words for our NAGC state affiliate quarterly newsletter, Promise. My best to you as we all heal, watch, and pray.
Bravo! It seems to me a mature, realistic, wise and caring attitude. Thanks.
The really disturbing thing is, the other candidate was just as awful as the one who won! Maybe slightly worse, if you can believe the Secret Service agents speaking out about how she treats people off camera. Anyway, yes, we are now faced with a political climate in which there are no acceptable options and the scum that rises to the top of the cesspool in each political party is all we have from which to choose. The only solace we can find, I guess, is that at least the vulgar buffoon who beat the cynical liar seems to be in favor of school choice, including homeschooling, which we need for our gifted kids and which was certainly in jeopardy with the cynical liar who pronounced that education is not a family affair, and who is of the party the demands total conformity of thought from us plebeians.
Let us console ourselves with your apt comparison: like the mom you speak of, we will not be satisfied with Trump, as she was dissatisfied with her daughter’s school. However, we at least escaped the Sarajevo of the alternative.
Really? What unbelievable nonsense. Children would not have anxiety if it weren’t for the adults who promulgated it. Where was this article 8 years ago when my gifted children faced and then lived through the most oppressive and intrusive president we have ever had? Such intellectual dishonesty.
Oh yes because President Obama mocked disabled people, called for mass deportation of school mates and talked about how he likes to grab women. Stop it with the false equivalencies, you just come across is a partisan with no critical thinking skills.
Thank you for this article Stephanie, my gifted 10 year old saw all the attack ads, he was devastated that such a “bad person” won, and scared for our future. We just keep trying to come back to love and hope.
Thanks for this piece! It is well-said and very nourishing. I agree with what you’ve written and instinctively I’ve come up with the same conclusion you have, in terms of dialoguing and interacting with my ten year old daughter since the election.
I guess I might add that if we all follow your insights, and take action -even baby steps- then we will all in some way continue to uplift each other during this next chapter. And that is helpful to remember.
Take care, and thank you again for the article!
Stephanie, this is very helpful, as we “grownups” need to be reminded again and again that there is no other time — we’re IT now and we’re the grownups.
I work at FlexSchool, for 2e kids from 5th to 12th grades, in New Jersey. We had a 6th grader who was very upset about the election. Very upset. He couldn’t really be in class. I worked with him alone, in dialogue. I listened to every one of his objections, and his shock. He was first upset because it was “unfair”. He quoted some things Trump had done and said. He then expressed his fears, North Korea, Supreme Court, etc. Really giving him time to play out each concern, when he’s a slow speaker, was challenging but seemed to help.
Then I told him that there are thousands of really good adults working against all the evil things in the world. That kids should have time not to worry. They should play and learn, so they can later be the good adults fighting for good, when it’s their turn.
We were about 35 minutes. The next day I checked in, and he was still upset, saying that his parents didn’t believe him. I repeated again about thousands of great adults out there working to un-do all the bad and evil things, and told him I wanted him to remember that, and I was going to ask him the next day. He seemed to calm down, but who really knows.
The next day I checked and he remembered it. But who is to say how or if he internalized it. I told him to change his TV watching if the news is scaring him or making him sad.
This article, and other like it, have completely turned me away from SENG as a balanced and impartial organization. Enough with the Trump-bashing already. Millions of people did not vote for a monster to be President of the United States. Sorry, SENG, I’ll be taking my time and $$ to a more fair and impartial information source for my gifted daughter’s needs.
Dagny, unfortunately neither candidate seemed perfect to lead this country. This article sheds light on VALUES families are trying to painstakingly pass on to their families and how Americans demand their highest authorities to model proper values themselves.. My gifted kids really do react to injustice and want to stick to learned common rules of behaviour for common good. This is a goal of school system, too. You cannot argue that Trump wouldn’t have taken a few too many matters way too lightly. We can’t tell what would have happened under Clinton’s rule but this manner of blame and shame throwing at just about anybody and justifying of hatred should definitely be condemned by all parties.!
Clinton learned at least some rules of behaviour in Kindergarten which I can’t say about Trump.