By Aditya Chothani
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to change you is the greatest accomplishment of all.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Working as an educator for exceptional and twice-exceptional students in Northern California was an eye-opening experience. Observing the unique pedagogical approaches and scaffolding in those classrooms reawakened the young boy in me. Being at the school rekindled my long-dormant curiosity, and I was eager to show up to work each day. “Aditya, you are the 43rd student in the fourth-grade classroom,” a colleague would often say, capturing my enthusiasm.
As I look at my life in hindsight, I have always had sharp reasoning abilities, heightened sensitivity, and empathy—a cocktail of traits that helped me assess and engage with the room as required. This efficient masking strategy has served me well in the public eye, but it has proven to be my biggest challenge in quieter circumstances and intimate relationships.
When I enter individual conversations, I have a deep sense of belonging, I tend to become impatient, and I expect things to move in sync. I have learned that is not how the world operates. Conversations and human interactions do not always follow a linear, logical path, and my impatience in these moments has led to misunderstandings. It is not that I want to dominate or belittle anyone—but often, I seem condescending, which, in turn, makes me feel alienated from those around me. They see my mind racing ahead as arrogance, but it is hard to explain without sounding defensive.
I am sensitive, empathetic, and highly emotional, and while these are qualities I cherish, they also bring me tremendous anxiety. Since childhood, I have had a deep fear of being hurt. When I was younger, I experienced pain that I did not know how to handle. Subsequently, whether it was in friendships, family dynamics, or early relationships, I was often wounded by words or actions that others might have brushed off easily. This constant emotional vulnerability has made me an anxious adult, constantly on edge, as though, at any moment, the world could deliver another blow.
Instead of wearing my heart on my sleeve —I began to mask this vulnerability and hold relationships at an arm's length. I used my cognitive abilities as a shield, a fastball, to get through everything. When I could not deal with emotional pain, I would retreat into my intellect. I reasoned my way out of situations and convinced myself that I was “above” feeling those emotions and that my mind could solve what my heart could not. It was easier to be the person with the fast brain, who could think ten steps ahead than to admit that I was fragile on the inside.
At times, I find it easier to solve complex problems than to face difficult emotions, and I know others like me feel the same way.
However, I did not realize this approach was unsustainable. By masking my emotions and using my intellect as a coping mechanism, I created a wall between myself and the world. Yes, I could solve problems quickly and efficiently, but at what cost? Inside, I was constantly battling a whirlwind of fear, anxiety, and emotional pain that I had never addressed. My mind could move quickly logically but could not escape the buried emotions.
Adding to this complexity was the pressure to fit in—a societal norm everyone faces. Moreover, I am a hyper-sensitive oddball, making way off left-field choices, and I did experience life more viscerally. I struggled to reconcile my authentic self with the version of me that the world wanted. This suppression led to frustration, anxiety, and overwhelming dissonance. The conflict between my authentic self and the persona I projected to others continued. The more I tried to blend in, the more I lost touch with who I truly was.
My work to reconcile these dualities in my personality continues to be a practice to which I am committed. I tell my story to appeal to my community and to open a conversation. My story may be like your story, your child’s story, a near and dear one, or your student. Gifted individuals often demonstrate these dualities: the clash between their cognitive brilliance and their emotional struggles. They may face the same challenges of balancing their intellectual strengths with emotional fragility while grappling with societal pressures to conform.
Why does my story matter?
Research suggests that while “cognitive characteristics” measured by ability and achievement tests are often highlighted, the “non-cognitive characteristics” such as metacognitive skills, self-esteem, motivation, creativity, and personality traits play an equally important role in the success of gifted learners (Heckman et al., 2006; Farrington et al., 2012; Gutman & Schoon, 2013). Often overlooked, these “soft” skills can be more critical to a gifted student’s success than cognitive skills alone. Studies show that high achievement stems from cognitive abilities in combination with factors such as motivation, dedication, and hard work (Renzulli, 1978; Schneider, 2000; Heckman et al., 2006).
This duality between the cognitive and non-cognitive traits can be particularly pronounced in gifted students. For example, students who excel in reasoning might withhold their insights during class discussions for fear of being seen as a know-it-all. Similarly, a rapid problem solver may dislike working in groups or produce sloppy work, or an extremely witty individual might deliberately misuse humor in social situations to gain attention, even though they could contribute meaningfully. Over time, this suppression of their authentic self can lead to feelings of frustration, isolation, or even anxiety as they struggle to reconcile their true self with the version they present to the world.
Many gifted individuals may manifest these dualities in an attempt to conform to societal norms. Gifted youth, in particular, may feel torn between embracing their unique intellectual abilities and blending in with their peers. This pressure can lead them to suppress their talents or intellectual curiosity.
Below is a short list (not comprehensive in any way) of some manifest dualities. A friend and colleague at The Speyer Legacy School, a school for exceptional and twice-exceptional students in Manhattan, developed this list with staff and shared with me.
The gifted individual who.. | It might be the individual who.. | Suggested strategies for interactions |
Has superior reasoning abilities | Can be impatient and appear arrogant |
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Is sensitive, empathetic, emotional | Is easily hurt or upset, is fearful and anxious |
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Sets high standards for self; is critical | Sets unrealistically high goals, fears failure, avoids trying new things or taking risks |
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Sustains concentration for lengthy periods | Has tunnel vision; does not like to be interrupted; seems stubborn |
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The challenges of balancing intellectual strengths with emotional vulnerability are not unique to me but resonate with many. Understanding cognitive and emotional needs will better support gifted individuals in becoming their authentic selves. As Emerson said, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to change you is the greatest accomplishment.” In a world that often demands conformity, the greatest gift we can offer is empathy, patience, and the space to be authentic.
Aditya Chothani is a Master of Arts candidate in Psychology in Education at Columbia University. He also holds a Bachelor of Business Administration from George Washington University and a diploma in Vedanta Philosophy. As a Positive Psychology Coach, Aditya blends academic rigor with a profound understanding of human behavior to drive personal and organizational growth.
Aditya’s professional journey spans diverse sectors, including strategy consulting and investment banking, where he developed a nuanced understanding of organizational dynamics and business operations. This foundation has shaped his ability to design strategic initiatives that enhance employee engagement, retention, and performance. His collaborative approach to addressing complex challenges integrates workplace wellness with data-driven strategies for sustainable program improvement.
As an educator, Aditya has worked at schools for the gifted, including The Speyer Legacy School and The Nueva School. Here, he implemented innovative and inclusive instructional design strategies to nurture the unique potential of high-ability learners. Passionate about experiential learning, Aditya strives to create environments where students and employees alike can thrive.
Across all his roles, Aditya is committed to fostering growth, well-being, and a culture of continuous learning. His diverse expertise empowers individuals and organizations to unlock their full potential, paving the way for meaningful and enduring success.