By Sarah Strouthopoulos
Parenting a gifted or twice exceptional (2e) child is a unique and rewarding journey, but it can also be filled with unexpected challenges. These children often possess a complex blend of advanced cognitive abilities, intense emotions, and heightened sensitivities that require a different approach than traditional parenting methods. As parents, we must learn to navigate this uncharted territory with patience, understanding, and a willingness to adapt our approach. However, it's easy to fall into common parenting pitfalls without even realizing it, as the tried-and-true strategies that work for many children may not be as effective for our exceptional kids. To help you support your gifted or 2e child effectively, let's explore five common parenting pitfalls and how to avoid them, fostering a nurturing environment where our exceptional children can thrive.
Pitfall #1: Failing to Regulate Your Own Emotions
Example: Your gifted child is having a meltdown because they received a lower grade than expected on a project. You feel your frustration rising and are about to say, "It's just one grade, it doesn't matter that much!"
Instead, take a deep breath and remind yourself that your child's emotions are valid. Regulate your own emotions first, so you can be the calm, supportive presence they need.
Gifted children are highly attuned to their environment and can easily pick up on their parents' emotions. When you're feeling frustrated or overwhelmed during your child's meltdown, your dysregulated state can inadvertently escalate the situation. Take a moment to pause and check in with yourself. Acknowledge your emotions without judgment and take a few deep breaths or step away briefly if needed. By regulating your own emotions first, you'll be better equipped to help your child navigate their intense feelings.
Pitfall #2: Not Showing Up with Curiosity
Example: Your gifted child is suddenly withdrawing from their favorite extracurricular activity. When you ask why, they respond with, "I just don't want to do it anymore!" and become defensive.
Instead of accepting their answer at face value, approach the situation with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions like, "I've noticed you don't seem as excited about [activity] lately. What's changed for you?"
Gifted children's meltdowns often stem from a complex interplay of factors, such as overexcitabilities, asynchronous development, and sensory sensitivities. When faced with a meltdown, it's essential to look beyond the surface behavior and approach the situation with curiosity. Instead of focusing solely on the noncompliant behavior, ask questions and seek to understand the underlying causes. Is your child feeling overwhelmed by sensory input? Are they grappling with existential concerns beyond their years? By validating their emotions and offering support, you can help your gifted child feel understood and connected.
Pitfall #3: Needing to Win Every Battle
Example: Your gifted child doesn't want to do their homework because they find it boring, too easy, or too hard. You insist they complete the work, leading to a heated argument.
Instead of engaging in a power struggle, have an open conversation about their reasons for wanting not wanting to do the work. Work together to find a solution that meets their needs, such as finding more challenging supplemental material or exploring alternative courses.
Gifted children are often strong-willed and have a keen sense of justice. Engaging in power struggles and insisting on being right can create tension and distance in your relationship. When you find yourself in a power struggle, remember that it's an opportunity for empathy and connection, not a battle to be won. Instead of escalating the argument, offer choices and collaborate to find mutually agreeable solutions. They may be more motivated if they know they can have a 5-10 minute break halfway through. By respecting your gifted child's need for autonomy and involving them in problem-solving, you can foster a stronger, more trusting relationship.
Pitfall #4: Trying to Teach During Heightened Emotions
Example: Your gifted child is having a meltdown because they forgot to turn in an important assignment. In the midst of their emotional outburst, you start lecturing them about responsibility and time management.
Instead, focus on helping them regulate their emotions first. Use the PEACE approach: Pause, Empathize, Accept, Connect, and Educate. Save the conversation about responsibility for a later time when they're calm and more receptive.
Gifted children's emotional intensity can be both a blessing and a challenge. During a meltdown, their heightened emotions can make it difficult for them to process logical information and understand the consequences of their actions. Attempting to teach or problem-solve in the midst of a conflict is often counterproductive. Instead, focus on helping your child regulate their emotions using the PEACE approach: Pause, Empathize, Accept, Connect, and Educate. By prioritizing connection and emotional regulation, you create a safe space for your gifted child to express their feelings and develop essential coping skills.
Pitfall #5: Going to Discipline First
Example: Your gifted child has an emotional outburst and says hurtful things to a sibling. Your first instinct is to send them to their room and take away their privileges.
Instead, take a moment to connect with your child and understand the root of their behavior. Are they feeling overwhelmed by their busy schedule? Have they been struggling to connect with their peers? Address the underlying issues with empathy and work together to find solutions. Consequences, if necessary, should be logical and related to the behavior.
For gifted children, consequences should be the last resort, not the first response. Their unique sensitivities and intensities often require a more nuanced approach. Before resorting to discipline, try connecting with your child to understand the root cause of their behavior. Are they feeling overwhelmed by their environment? Are they struggling to communicate their needs effectively? By addressing the underlying issues with empathy and understanding, you can often prevent the need for discipline altogether. When consequences are necessary, choose logical or natural ones that are directly related to the behavior, and avoid punitive measures that may damage your relationship.
Parenting a gifted or twice-exceptional child is a journey filled with joys, challenges, and opportunities for growth. By avoiding these common pitfalls and prioritizing connection, being in tune with your child, and being firm but understanding, you can create a supportive environment that nurtures your child's exceptional abilities while helping them develop the emotional skills they need to thrive. This isn’t easy, but the effort we put in to avoid the pitfall is worth it!
Sarah Strouthopoulos is the founder of Confident Kids Coaching International, and a master educator and certified kid's life coach. She specializes in helping high ability and "gifted" children who struggle with their intense emotions step into their fullest self and use their skills and talents to make a difference in the world, as well as helping their parents to best support them. To date, she has helped hundreds of high ability children overcome their social and emotional challenges, reach their true academic potential, and build rock-solid self-esteem. Visit www.confidentkids.us to learn more.