By Jenny and Harry Bruell.
TW: The article discusses sensitive topics such as suicide, self-harm, and mental health challenges. We want to offer this content with care and acknowledge that it may contain triggering words. We encourage readers to proceed with awareness and seek support if needed. Thank you for joining us in supporting one another through shared stories and collective wisdom.
We lost our profoundly gifted daughter, Taya, to suicide on February 2, 2016, when she was 14. Taya had charisma, boldly exploring new ideas through her brilliant writing and her fearless approach to life. She couldn’t decide between being a writer or a surgeon. She battled bravely against what we believe was Borderline Personality Disorder that slowly consumed her brain and ultimately led to her tragic death.
We have shared openly about our experience with Taya, and SENG asked us to speak at its 2024 conference about the intersection of mental health and giftedness. To prepare, we asked ourselves what we wish we would have known ten years earlier when Taya was struggling. Here’s what we shared, along with additions from audience members:
Trust your instincts. You know your child better than anyone. It’s important to consult with professionals and equally important to question their advice, engage actively, and solicit multiple opinions. Sometimes how your child acts at home is different than how they act at school, so professionals may not see what you see. Strongly question what they say if it contradicts your experience or gut feeling. It’s okay to be the pushy parent; this is your child.
Professionals may not have current knowledge. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders includes more than 240 disorders. There are over a hundred medications available to treat mental health disorders. Research and discovery occur continuously making it challenging to stay current in all aspects of mental disorders. We encountered several professionals who mistakenly believed that Borderline Personality Disorder could not occur in children or teens. Do your own research and discuss it with the professionals with whom you are working.
Find mental health professionals who understand giftedness. Beware of misdiagnosis and missed diagnosis. Disorders may present differently in gifted children. We know a profoundly gifted child whom a school professional wanted to diagnose with autism, a clear “misdiagnosis” to the parents who knew that he was shy and often thinking quietly about complex issues. Subsequent evaluation confirmed the parents’ assessment. Conversely, giftedness can mask mental health issues. Our daughter’s therapist dismissed our concerns that she had a mental illness by saying that it was just being gifted, a clear “missed diagnosis.” Additional complicating factors include being twice exceptional, having unknown physical health issues (which some families work to rule out first), or exhibiting overexcitabilities (which can contribute to misdiagnosis or missed diagnosis).
Schools have limitations. Schools often have limited resources and many teachers don’t receive training in recognizing or knowing how to address their students’ mental health challenges. After Taya died we found an assignment - read and graded by the teacher - where Taya showed signs of self-harm, hearing voices, and wondering if she was a mistake. The teacher gave Taya an A+ on the assignment but didn’t alert anyone.
Beware of social media. In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General recommended treating children’s use of social media as a public health problem akin to cigarettes and alcohol. In addition to concerns about addiction, bullying, and harassment, there are also concerns about content and connections. Taya connected online with other young people with mental health conditions where they normalized self-harm, eating disorders, and suicide ideation. She researched her method of suicide through the Internet.
Look for EDs and NSSI. 22% of adolescents have engaged in self-harm while 13% of adolescents will develop an eating disorder by age 20. Familiarize yourself with the signs of both conditions and seek help as needed. We missed Taya’s self-harm for nearly a year and never fully understood her emerging eating disorder.
Explore treatment resources for your child. Treatment options follow three roads that often overlap and intersect: talk therapy, medication, and skill building. Learn what works best for your child, and what works at one age might change as your child gets older or new challenges arise.
Research local laws, resources, and services. Each state has its own laws and resources vary by state. We were shocked to learn that in Colorado we would lose access to Taya’s mental health records at age 15. Additionally, we needed to learn about an entire system of residential options, transporter services (required if the child resists residential), educational consultants, and more. Complicating the research, we found few - if any - services experienced with gifted children. Plan ahead, as it’s easier to do the research when you are not in crisis or forced to make quick decisions.
Seek resources for parents. There are educational and support resources available for parents that we wish we had found when Taya was struggling. A few free resources include NAMI’s Family-to-Family, NEABPD’s Family Connections and NEABPD’s Managing Suicidality & Trauma Recovery Program. There are also many resources through the SENG community groups.
Support the whole family. The National Institute of Health reported that “caring for a person with mental illness takes a substantial toll on social relationships, employment and income, and psychological well-being…. Families of people with serious mental illness have worse physical health and seek more medical care...” While it’s right to focus on supporting the child with challenges, don’t forget to focus on your partner, your other children, and - most especially - your own self-care. The airline analogy fits: put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.
Fight Stigma. If Taya had cancer or another physical health challenge, we would have likely received an outpouring of support. Instead, we limited our discussions to a few close friends and battled not only her demons but the stigma that surrounded them. Stigma is what keeps people with mental health challenges - and their caregivers - from getting the support they need to recover. Please join us in fighting the stigma by sharing what you are comfortable with and spreading kindness and compassion about mental health.
Thank you for reading and continue to share your experiences with others - it is the collective wisdom of this community that supports us all. We are walking with you.
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Jenny Bruell, an MSW, is a community organizer who has worked in leadership roles for several nonprofit, governmental, and national service organizations. She previously served as Mayor of
a small town in West Virginia and worked in the Lieutenant Governor’s office in Colorado.
Harry Bruell serves as President/CEO of PathPoint, a nonprofit organization that supports people with mental health diagnoses and/or developmental disabilities. He is also a Board Member for several behavioral health organizations and a co-moderator of Parents of Suicide. Jenny and Harry have been married since 1998 and together wrote the After Journey.